Coming To Terms With The Reality Of My Relationship

I am starting to realize just how unhealthy my marriage was. I am not a therapist and have not seen one for these specific feelings so none of this is coming from a professional place but rather a place of internalizing these emotions for so long.

I am realizing how manipulative he was. How emotionally and mentally abusive he could be. And how scared I felt on a daily basis. I was afraid to speak my mind or share how I really felt for fear it would cause a fight. His anger was so explosive and could come out of nowhere. Any perceived injustice or insult could fling him into a rage. While he never hit me, he came close and he did kick our dog twice. These instances only strengthened my fear of him. But I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t see a way to get out. If I admitted any of this to friends or family it would be my failure and not his (my perception of course). I still have not really admitted this out loud. I don’t want to be the cause of his damaged relationships or lost friendships.

But why do I care so much about how other people see him? He’s immature and quick to anger and violence. I don’t even think I can tally all of the material items he’s damaged or destroyed due to his anger outbursts. There are countless holes in walls from where he punched them or threw an object at them. There are two broken doors from where he punched them. And he broke countless headsets and controllers while playing video games.

Despite this, I still find myself wanting to protect him and how others see him.

On the emotional and mental side of things, he knew just what to say to make me feel horrible about myself. I can’t remember a time he gave me a compliment or lifted me up in anyway. Rather, I remember all of the times he told me I was overweight and unattractive, made me feel stupid, and questioned my intelligence.

And now that we’re divorced he is quick to compliment, to call me strong and smart, tell me I will thrive after all of this is finished. Just another manipulation in a long line. It’s all to make himself feel better rather than genuine compliments. To be able to say that he was kind and loving as our marriage ended. Not to actually be kind and loving.

These realizations have been hard and will most certainly effect how I move forward. I am going to work on my ability to talk about these experiences and I will start by seeking a professional. If you have experienced or are currently in a similar situation I urge you to seek help. You are more deserving of love than you will ever know.