Dating is new, sometimes scary and can leave me feeling more alone than I have before.
It almost feels like a “look at me now” moment to be able to say I’m dating again. I’ve started using some dating apps and connecting with people outside of my circle of friends. Parts of this experience have been great and parts have been heart wrenching. The great parts include meeting interesting people and sharing good meals while the heart wrenching parts include being stood up, ghosted, and made to feel like a burden to someone I barley knew. But through the bad parts I’ve become addicted to these apps and connecting with strangers.
I’m having a hard time being alone. Being alone didn’t bother me pre-divorce but I’m having a hard time with it now. I work from home so I spend all day within these walls, just me and my dog. Although that’s not entirely true. I walk most mornings with a friend and her son and we’ve started walking in the evenings too. I have friends that I can call and dating app connections that I can text with. But it’s not the same as a physical connection. Someone to hold my hand or give me a hug. Someone else taking up space in my house. Not to mention the high of a sexual connection.
That last one has been interesting to navigate. I find myself chasing approval, desire and the high that sex creates. While married, I wasn’t interested in sex. When he would initiate my first reaction would be to pull away and retreat. To say that I was tired, had a headache or just simply “no”. I would force myself to say yes, to be responsive to his advances. I always thought this was my short coming and mine alone. Now that I’m single and experiencing sex with other people, I realize that I have a very healthy sex drive and I find myself in constant pursuit of the high.
This high is always followed by a low; when the post – coital bliss recedes and I’m left to dress myself and drive home. That drive home and the following days are some of the lowest lows I have felt. I overthink every decision, every word, every action and question my worth. In that low space I reach out to new people, past hookups, and those that have rejected me looking for validation. The high of that validation is short lived and then I’m right back to feeling low.
It’s a cycle I can’t seem to break.
Life's Lemons 